Bertha's Bitch Fest

WARNING! THIS ONE AIN'T FOR THE EASILY OFFENDED!

Bertha's mad. And while I'm used to Amy being daisy vicious, Bertha is relatively bratty but decent. Well, last night she got mad when in the bathroom in Boston's Logan Airport we got sprayed with a chemical....can you believe it, a f...ing chemical?! Anyway, I was immediately sick and Bertha puked in her hands (never nice for a mermaid) and I had to hold my breath as I tried to pee very quickly! OK...so that's done. And of course the only way to get rid of the sickly sweet smell of lovely Lysol now lingering in my nostrils (not to mention mermaid puke breath), was to proceed to the nearest bar and down a quick dirty martini. Now we could get on the plane.

I like going through security as it gives me a chance to show off my Modern Mermaids purse and our Sweet Tingly Mint Hand Foamy (which when the security dude tried to take it, I think Bertha bit him). It's under 3 oz and he should have known better! It was kinda funny though as there I am with no shoes, not belt, no jewelry, no hat and no pride when I see him grab the Foamy, feel a sting (maybe she whipped him with her tail) and immediately put it back in the bag....all the while a little smirk appears on my now inanimate playmate's face.

Now you all must think it's a little whacko to see the logo of Modern Mermaids as a living creature but when we first started this venture, Amy made it clear that I was not allowed to have a social life. Here and there we would meet someone who would try to flirt with me and mother Amy would say " the only person Audra's allowed to hang out with is Bertha!" That is actually a true story as once in a while I need to throw one in. So there I sat for many a long night for 6 months in Amy's apartment over the garage with only a mermaid for a friend. Besides working with Amy, the only other activity I got was walking Saylor, her incontinent bull mastiff. Although Saylor didn't have a whole lot to say, I still talked to her incessantly and enjoyed her slobbering cuteness. BUT...when thoughts began to appear in my mind, I realized that Bertha was communicating with me telepathically and Voila! she was alive.

That could've been a whole other blog so I need to get back to why our mermaid's mad. So the martini has now alleviated our stress over the Lysol episode and we're through security. Board the plane and gross! the chick next to us thinks that drowning in perfume is a way to get oneself laid apparently. I personally think it's a deterrent, but others...... Anyway it's another nauseating experience to add to the evening and I just want to shake this girl and ask her if I have the right to breathe or would she like to spray me, too! Then the engines start and we are doused by diesel fumes. Eyes watering, head aching and stomach roiling, I finally give up and figure this night is doomed. Another martini please!