WARNING! THIS ONE AIN'T FOR THE EASILY OFFENDED!
Bertha's mad. And while I'm used to Amy being daisy vicious, Bertha is relatively bratty but decent. Well, last night she got mad when in the bathroom in Boston's Logan Airport we got sprayed with a chemical....can you believe it, a f...ing chemical?! Anyway, I was immediately sick and Bertha puked in her hands (never nice for a mermaid) and I had to hold my breath as I tried to pee very quickly! OK...so that's done. And of course the only way to get rid of the sickly sweet smell of lovely Lysol now lingering in my nostrils (not to mention mermaid puke breath), was to proceed to the nearest bar and down a quick dirty martini. Now we could get on the plane.
I like going through security as it gives me a chance to show off my Modern Mermaids purse and our Sweet Tingly Mint Hand Foamy (which when the security dude tried to take it, I think Bertha bit him). It's under 3 oz and he should have known better! It was kinda funny though as there I am with no shoes, not belt, no jewelry, no hat and no pride when I see him grab the Foamy, feel a sting (maybe she whipped him with her tail) and immediately put it back in the bag....all the while a little smirk appears on my now inanimate playmate's face.
Now you all must think it's a little whacko to see the logo of Modern Mermaids as a living creature but when we first started this venture, Amy made it clear that I was not allowed to have a social life. Here and there we would meet someone who would try to flirt with me and mother Amy would say " the only person Audra's allowed to hang out with is Bertha!" That is actually a true story as once in a while I need to throw one in. So there I sat for many a long night for 6 months in Amy's apartment over the garage with only a mermaid for a friend. Besides working with Amy, the only other activity I got was walking Saylor, her incontinent bull mastiff. Although Saylor didn't have a whole lot to say, I still talked to her incessantly and enjoyed her slobbering cuteness. BUT...when thoughts began to appear in my mind, I realized that Bertha was communicating with me telepathically and Voila! she was alive.
That could've been a whole other blog so I need to get back to why our mermaid's mad. So the martini has now alleviated our stress over the Lysol episode and we're through security. Board the plane and gross! the chick next to us thinks that drowning in perfume is a way to get oneself laid apparently. I personally think it's a deterrent, but others...... Anyway it's another nauseating experience to add to the evening and I just want to shake this girl and ask her if I have the right to breathe or would she like to spray me, too! Then the engines start and we are doused by diesel fumes. Eyes watering, head aching and stomach roiling, I finally give up and figure this night is doomed. Another martini please!
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Where The Mermaids Live...
I'm up near Cape Cod where my mother now lives about 12 miles from the bridge that takes us over to the other side. The "other side" is really a great way to think of it because whenever I go over that bridge I seem to regress back to the days of jumping out of windows to go meet boys, buying gallons of peach Reunite illegally and skinnydipping at the Kennedy compound. Summers of pure chaos, fun and more chaos. And Amy is one of the most talented chaos creators in the history of the Cape....just ask her brothers.
Anyway, this is where the true mermaids live. Although we now reside in Florida, Bertha came about because of the New England marine influence (basically drunk and scurvied sailors would hallucinate and see beautiful creatures that were half woman and half fish). Wishful thinking but it created this wonderful fantasy that has lived with us for hundreds of years. It also created many a lustful sailor to go overboard where he may have remained on his ship.
So why Bertha?
It's almost as if she just Was! When we decided to start Modern Mermaids there was hardly a question of the name or what our girl would look like. She's sweet and cool, has the earth in her hands and the only thing missing, according to men, are bigger boobs....not everyone has implants these days, guys!
Now I guess it's time to talk about why our mermaid is called Bertha and if anyone has a loved one in their lives' with this name, I will apologize now. Here's the story. Amy and I hired a self proclaimed pre-menopausal woman to draw our vision of the MM logo. Our first encounter with her went well, our second did, too. The third, however, brought about this wave of anxiety as we stared at what had to be the chubbiest, most manly looking sea maiden possible. I'm not sure which one of us said it but when we got back to Amy's house and were studying our new logo it was said...."she looks like Big Bertha!" and not only that she had Spock ears, no eyelashes and a slash for lips....UGALY!
So we redrew her. She got lipo, an ear reduction, false eyelashes, collagen in her lips and Voila! suddenly resembled something we could use! However, now the Bertha thing had been ingrained in us and we couldn't let it go. We tried, as Amy's son was truly disturbed and vocal about how awful it was to call her that, but the name stuck.
It doesn't matter, though, as every day regardless of her name she is called pretty, cute, perfect and clever by anyone who sees her. And she claims that she has forgiven us but plans to change her name as soon as she turns eighteen....and get implants, too! Oh Bertha....
Anyway, this is where the true mermaids live. Although we now reside in Florida, Bertha came about because of the New England marine influence (basically drunk and scurvied sailors would hallucinate and see beautiful creatures that were half woman and half fish). Wishful thinking but it created this wonderful fantasy that has lived with us for hundreds of years. It also created many a lustful sailor to go overboard where he may have remained on his ship.
So why Bertha?
It's almost as if she just Was! When we decided to start Modern Mermaids there was hardly a question of the name or what our girl would look like. She's sweet and cool, has the earth in her hands and the only thing missing, according to men, are bigger boobs....not everyone has implants these days, guys!
Now I guess it's time to talk about why our mermaid is called Bertha and if anyone has a loved one in their lives' with this name, I will apologize now. Here's the story. Amy and I hired a self proclaimed pre-menopausal woman to draw our vision of the MM logo. Our first encounter with her went well, our second did, too. The third, however, brought about this wave of anxiety as we stared at what had to be the chubbiest, most manly looking sea maiden possible. I'm not sure which one of us said it but when we got back to Amy's house and were studying our new logo it was said...."she looks like Big Bertha!" and not only that she had Spock ears, no eyelashes and a slash for lips....UGALY!
So we redrew her. She got lipo, an ear reduction, false eyelashes, collagen in her lips and Voila! suddenly resembled something we could use! However, now the Bertha thing had been ingrained in us and we couldn't let it go. We tried, as Amy's son was truly disturbed and vocal about how awful it was to call her that, but the name stuck.
It doesn't matter, though, as every day regardless of her name she is called pretty, cute, perfect and clever by anyone who sees her. And she claims that she has forgiven us but plans to change her name as soon as she turns eighteen....and get implants, too! Oh Bertha....
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Bertha Saved Me!
Bertha told Amy I am to continue living....and Amy agreed because she needed my advice on a blend for a new product. Remember the "ant killer" she made last week? Well, as I surmised, she has already started the process to put it on the market and made me go to Home Depot to check out the competition. Guess I'm gonna need another miniskirt ....maybe I can find an orange one!
So Modern Mermaids starts another week of business and we are roaring along with an order and a half? but had some great news that will help bring our "stuff" to market. And I didn't have to do a thing. I don't often write about what we do but Amy and I have teamed up with an amazing lady who has created the safest soap formula possible (edible, drinkable, basically orifice safe) and we use it in Modern Mermaids products, Knotty Yachties (our soon to be marine line), Silly Saylor Shampoo and Spray Away for Pets and Daisy Vicious Soap Line. Whew! Told ya we make a lot of stuff! Make it and love it! As do our families and friends....who I thank by the way if you're reading this.
Not making too much fun today as yesterday during a heated debate with my neighbors over the evils of bleach, we were suddenly aground aboard a beautiful 42 foot sailboat. Wound up home at 3 am and Bertha's mad. She and the alligator wannabe lizards are the only ones who saw me come home at that time but they figured I was out doing things I shouldn't be doing. After all "nothing good comes from being out past midnight".....oh, if they only knew just how much fun there is to be had after 12! There's a moon to stare at, stars to count, the turtles are dragging themselves out of the ocean to lay eggs on the beach a block away and if you're lucky you may just see Bertha come alive. She certainly does for us two chicks who created her and as Amy's home trying to blend ant "stuff" and I pretend to work but stare out the window at the pool below and see my neighbors having fun, Bertha gives us a thumbs up as another day goes by and we're still in business.....
So Modern Mermaids starts another week of business and we are roaring along with an order and a half? but had some great news that will help bring our "stuff" to market. And I didn't have to do a thing. I don't often write about what we do but Amy and I have teamed up with an amazing lady who has created the safest soap formula possible (edible, drinkable, basically orifice safe) and we use it in Modern Mermaids products, Knotty Yachties (our soon to be marine line), Silly Saylor Shampoo and Spray Away for Pets and Daisy Vicious Soap Line. Whew! Told ya we make a lot of stuff! Make it and love it! As do our families and friends....who I thank by the way if you're reading this.
Not making too much fun today as yesterday during a heated debate with my neighbors over the evils of bleach, we were suddenly aground aboard a beautiful 42 foot sailboat. Wound up home at 3 am and Bertha's mad. She and the alligator wannabe lizards are the only ones who saw me come home at that time but they figured I was out doing things I shouldn't be doing. After all "nothing good comes from being out past midnight".....oh, if they only knew just how much fun there is to be had after 12! There's a moon to stare at, stars to count, the turtles are dragging themselves out of the ocean to lay eggs on the beach a block away and if you're lucky you may just see Bertha come alive. She certainly does for us two chicks who created her and as Amy's home trying to blend ant "stuff" and I pretend to work but stare out the window at the pool below and see my neighbors having fun, Bertha gives us a thumbs up as another day goes by and we're still in business.....
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Amy's Arrest
I'm at the Green Market in Delray Beach, FL today and I'm missing Amy because her eight year old is puking and she can only stay for a few minutes. She brings Saylor, her OCD Bull mastiff, who commences to squat on every piece of available grass and although I had invited Saylor to stay with me, reneged quickly out of pure embarrassment. So I'm alone with Bertha.
As I sit people watching and hoping for some gullible consumer to part with their money, the head of the market comes over to say Hi! I ask her if she's read the blog and she says "Yes, and you two Mermaids are crazy! I can't believe Amy got arrested at Whole Foods!" Although I am truly a dynamic and fantastic writer of the banal, I had no idea that anyone would take me seriously (unless I ask them to). So here's a recant....Amy did not get arrested for placing Modern Mermaids on the shelf at Whole Foods. BUT...and this is true, we took our bottles of Sweet Tingly Mint Cleaners and placed them on the shelf, stood back and judged them on the colors of the labels. Of course we were keeping an eye out for a security camera but I always had the miniskirt thing to fall back on if need be. Anyway, based on that day we really did change the colors and are thrilled that we took the time to do hands on "will this product get attention if we walk by fast" and see! While we were there a young man who was stocking the shelves struck up a conversation with us and told us how much he liked Bertha (if anyone doesn't know, she's our mermaid) and also told us that Whole Foods likes local vendors. Great to know!
So the story is half true and although Amy has done many things to warrant an arrest, the story about WF is not one of them......and, oh am I going to be in a lot of trouble for that last comment so if there's no blog tomorrow....check the local papers for my demise.
As I sit people watching and hoping for some gullible consumer to part with their money, the head of the market comes over to say Hi! I ask her if she's read the blog and she says "Yes, and you two Mermaids are crazy! I can't believe Amy got arrested at Whole Foods!" Although I am truly a dynamic and fantastic writer of the banal, I had no idea that anyone would take me seriously (unless I ask them to). So here's a recant....Amy did not get arrested for placing Modern Mermaids on the shelf at Whole Foods. BUT...and this is true, we took our bottles of Sweet Tingly Mint Cleaners and placed them on the shelf, stood back and judged them on the colors of the labels. Of course we were keeping an eye out for a security camera but I always had the miniskirt thing to fall back on if need be. Anyway, based on that day we really did change the colors and are thrilled that we took the time to do hands on "will this product get attention if we walk by fast" and see! While we were there a young man who was stocking the shelves struck up a conversation with us and told us how much he liked Bertha (if anyone doesn't know, she's our mermaid) and also told us that Whole Foods likes local vendors. Great to know!
So the story is half true and although Amy has done many things to warrant an arrest, the story about WF is not one of them......and, oh am I going to be in a lot of trouble for that last comment so if there's no blog tomorrow....check the local papers for my demise.
Friday, May 23, 2008
Back to Banalities
Does anything go smoothly anymore? Not gonna make this into a b..... session but where are peoples' common courtesies? Yes, Amy and I are trying to get Modern Mermaids Eco-Friendly Cleaning Products into Whole Foods (as we are told almost daily by our customers) and yes, we have tried to make contact and NO! they don't get back to us as we are basic peons with product and unless I go in sans panties with a miniskirt and stand on my head I'm not getting anywhere with some of these buyers. We write, we call, we go in the store put our bottles on the shelf and run (Amy's been arrested twice) and still they don't want our stuff! So how in the world do we get on a shelf?!
That's where the courtesy question comes in.....It used to be that people got back to you by the end of the day, now with Blackberries, email, phones that do laundry and walk your dog, you'd think that people would get back to people and that's all we are, guys.... people! Whether you're a buyer for a major store or the guy outside sweeping the sidewalk, all jobs are important and have meaning! We all go through life and wind up in the ground at the end (or scattered, frozen, etc), we all have to breathe prior to that last part and WE ALL KNOW THAT IT'S NICE TO CALL OTHERS BACK BEFORE THE END OF THE DAY! There, I feel better now that I've vented. Time to go get that miniskirt on........
That's where the courtesy question comes in.....It used to be that people got back to you by the end of the day, now with Blackberries, email, phones that do laundry and walk your dog, you'd think that people would get back to people and that's all we are, guys.... people! Whether you're a buyer for a major store or the guy outside sweeping the sidewalk, all jobs are important and have meaning! We all go through life and wind up in the ground at the end (or scattered, frozen, etc), we all have to breathe prior to that last part and WE ALL KNOW THAT IT'S NICE TO CALL OTHERS BACK BEFORE THE END OF THE DAY! There, I feel better now that I've vented. Time to go get that miniskirt on........
Thursday, May 22, 2008
This One Isn't So Banal......
FINALLY! Our country is waking up! On the news last night the twits who didn't make it as actors proclaimed "And next, see what's in your personal care products; could they be causing cancer?" DUHHHH! Glad it's here but my goodness has it been a long time! I've been teaching ingredients in the personal care industry for a years and it surprises most people that there are no regulations and the companies don't even have to test for mutagenic and carcinogenic effects on human beings. Soaps, toothpaste, lotions, skin care, DEODORANTS and SUNBLOCKS have ingredients that are very toxic and are found in cancer patients now. Has anyone been talking about it.....NO! Secret Deodorant just puts a pink breast cancer ribbon on their packaging and keeps right on selling!
An even more frustrating part of this is as I watch the companies I've worked or known for years grow or get bought out by a bigger guy, they change their ingredients. Why? MONEY. Tom's of Maine was pure until Colgate bought them, we'll see what happens with Burt's Bees and Nature's Gate started changing ingredients a couple of years ago. My mom used the same conditioner for over 30 years and now stockpiles the original formulation when she can get it from Canada from one of my colleagues. Very sad and unnecessary except they just want more moola!
Back to last night's segment....they asked a nice Florida lady what sunblocks she used and as an avid tennis player, she had many; one for face, one for body, one for hands so she wouldn't sweat on her raquet, one for the kids, etc. Guess what? All of them were 7 out of 10 on the hazard list! And we wonder why we're getting skin cancer!
So here's how to look up what's in your products. http://www.cosmeticsdatabase.com/ and if I'm going to take the time to tell you all, take the time to do it! It's not the one product that may contain a toxic element, it's the 8-10 we use in a day that builds up over time and our bodies can't handle it! So pay attention, read and go the health food store! or call me and I'll help you!
And please post comments...good, bad or indifferent!
An even more frustrating part of this is as I watch the companies I've worked or known for years grow or get bought out by a bigger guy, they change their ingredients. Why? MONEY. Tom's of Maine was pure until Colgate bought them, we'll see what happens with Burt's Bees and Nature's Gate started changing ingredients a couple of years ago. My mom used the same conditioner for over 30 years and now stockpiles the original formulation when she can get it from Canada from one of my colleagues. Very sad and unnecessary except they just want more moola!
Back to last night's segment....they asked a nice Florida lady what sunblocks she used and as an avid tennis player, she had many; one for face, one for body, one for hands so she wouldn't sweat on her raquet, one for the kids, etc. Guess what? All of them were 7 out of 10 on the hazard list! And we wonder why we're getting skin cancer!
So here's how to look up what's in your products. http://www.cosmeticsdatabase.com/ and if I'm going to take the time to tell you all, take the time to do it! It's not the one product that may contain a toxic element, it's the 8-10 we use in a day that builds up over time and our bodies can't handle it! So pay attention, read and go the health food store! or call me and I'll help you!
And please post comments...good, bad or indifferent!
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Bertha's Rollercoaster Ride
My friend just called me from Universal Studios and it made me think of Modern Mermaids' unbelievable ride since we started this "Green Company". Although we love it (whew) it's every bit the stomach churning, dizzying, rock your world effect that The Hulk puts you through up in Orlando. Sometimes when I look at our little Bertha staring out from a label it's as if she's saying "Oh, Amy and Audra, just what have you gotten us into." Our answer to that.....throw enough s.....against the wall and something's gotta stick!
So that's what we do. I told Amy that if she creates one more product I'm going to go crazy! It's that Aries thing, I guess as today I walk in our office and she says, " I killed a bunch of ants with our ..... gotta bottle it and sell it! " Well, as we now have our eco-friendly natural cleaning line, a line for kids, dish soap, natural air fresheners, veggie wash and coming soon a marine line...I cannot imagine one more thing. But she'll make it happen, always does with or without my consent.
Right now she is in Hungarian slave mode as she cleans one of her rental properties and this is a big part of why we started Modern Mermaids. She used to get eye irritations and headaches from chemicals (oh, evil toxic chemicals) and wanted to know what I could help her make. We've certainly made "stuff". Stuff for your windows, stuff for your toilets, stuff for your air, stuff to wash your dog (another story) and stuff, stuff and more stuff (I am never using that word again, by the way). And so all this s..... kept us on an incredible ride up and down, looping and screaming and Bertha smirks as we make our first Cape Codder (vodka and cranberry) and toast her and still here we are, rollercoaster and all.
So that's what we do. I told Amy that if she creates one more product I'm going to go crazy! It's that Aries thing, I guess as today I walk in our office and she says, " I killed a bunch of ants with our ..... gotta bottle it and sell it! " Well, as we now have our eco-friendly natural cleaning line, a line for kids, dish soap, natural air fresheners, veggie wash and coming soon a marine line...I cannot imagine one more thing. But she'll make it happen, always does with or without my consent.
Right now she is in Hungarian slave mode as she cleans one of her rental properties and this is a big part of why we started Modern Mermaids. She used to get eye irritations and headaches from chemicals (oh, evil toxic chemicals) and wanted to know what I could help her make. We've certainly made "stuff". Stuff for your windows, stuff for your toilets, stuff for your air, stuff to wash your dog (another story) and stuff, stuff and more stuff (I am never using that word again, by the way). And so all this s..... kept us on an incredible ride up and down, looping and screaming and Bertha smirks as we make our first Cape Codder (vodka and cranberry) and toast her and still here we are, rollercoaster and all.
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